


Secret gaygent on a delicate mission

by In_Flagrante_Delicto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Remus Lupin, Coming Out, Euphemisms, Euphemisms for bisexual, Euphemisms for gay, Gay Sirius Black, Gen, I looked up so many euphemisms and now all my friends hate me, M/M, No editing we die like mne, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 22:11:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12263064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Flagrante_Delicto/pseuds/In_Flagrante_Delicto
Summary: Sirius is ready to come out to his friends. If only James and Peter understood what he was saying.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about a week ago, but I haven't been able to get onto the internet. So... enjoy!

It starts as most prank ideas do. In the dorm, with James, Sirius, and Peter. The plans that this situation spits out are often coarse and un-refined, the lack of Remus in the planing process painfully obvious.

But alas, it is not a prank idea that comes out of Sirius' mouth on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in September.

What does come out of Sirius' mouth is:  
"I've been thinking," (If Remus was here there could have any number of sarcastic comments at this, but as it was no-one reacted)  
"I might be a friend of Dorothy."

Now, James, coming from a pureblood family, had never properly been able to understand muggle euphemisms, and probably never will. And, Peter, well… he isn't exactly the type of person to keep up with sayings and euphemisms, despite his tendency to stay up to date with any circulating rumours.

So it's perfectly acceptable that neither James nor Peter quite got the drift of what Sirius had said, though James briefly asked Remus if he knew a Dorothy, getting a negative response.

\---

They (All the marauders, together) are at a quidditch game, Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw. They have _mutually_ agreed to support the house of hard work, because they don't want to be seen supporting a team that may go on to oppose them in the final. (The real reason is that Remus was still asleep when they decided, and thus, didn't get an opportunity to argue for his side) Despite the agreement, when Ravenclaw scores a goal ten minutes into the game, Sirius cheers along.

James nudges him angrily. "We _agreed_ to support _Hufflepuff_ , you wanker!" He hisses, still enthralled in the neck-and-neck game before his eyes.

Sirius rolls his eyes in response. "Well, _excuse me_ for rooting for the other team."

And that's when Remus, hearing Sirius' ease at saying such things, opens his mouth, and; "I'm rooting for both teams, actually."

(If James wasn't so enthused about the seekers both seeing the snitch, and the chase that followed, and Peter wasn't so enchanted by the pretty girl he was talking to, they both would have easily noticed Sirius flushing pink. Mouthing "Really?". They would have seen Remus nod, shyly, his hand moving to Sirius'. They definitely would have noticed that Remus and Sirius slid closer to each other. And of course they would have noticed how their hands remained intertwined throughout the game, Sirius lightly squeezing at exciting plays. But they were distracted, and didn't notice these things.)

\---

James asks as to Sirius' relationship with Marlene.

"Nah, man. She wears comfortable shoes, and you know I'm a fruitcake."

James wonders what footwear has to do with it, and if fruitcake is some sort of muggle saying. He resolves to ask Evans.

(Of course, all thoughts of these questions vanish from his mind when Lily is allocated as his duelling partner in Defence.)

(Wow, she can throw a hex like _nobody's_ business)

\---

(Remus and Sirius sit atop the Gryffindor tower.

"Does James know you're bent?" Asks Remus.

"Does James need to know what goes on… _behind closed doors_?" Sirius asks in response.

"Well, no," Remus conceded. "But, he probably needs to know that you're that way, if only so he'll stop asking about those girls you're apparently fucking."

Sirius breathed out through his nose. He sighed. "I'll tell James I'm a flower when you tell James that you're AC/DC."

"That I'm Tesla, Edison? I don't know. Someday soon though. I'll tell him. Then you can stop being such an iron closet." Remus shifts from side to side, trying to get comfortable on the the cold roof tiles.

" _I'm_ iron closet? You’re the one who hasn't told anyone barring me that you're a day-walker. At least Marlene knows I'm on the bus. And saying 'Tesla, Edison' instead of AC/DC? You're such a _dork_!"

Sirius and Remus burst onto laugher. They don't think of how they will have to come out at some point, nor the friends they'll no doubt lose because of it.

But right now? On this rooftop?  
Remus and Sirius are happy, without anything pressing on their minds.)

\---

It's in training for quidditch that Sirius, a beater, and a pretty good one at that, hits the bludger in James direction.

James rolls out of the way on his broom, and speeds up next to Sirius.  
"What the fuck, mate?" He asks, outraged. "You could have hit me!"

Sirius merely shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you. I'm batting for the other team."

James squints at Sirius, missing the obvious double meaning. "What do you mean?"

Sirius rolls his eyes, but tries again. "I'm playing for the other team."

James, thoroughly confused, and knowing that it's only Gryffindor training at this time, asks the perfectly reasonable question of "What team?"

Of course, when surrounded by muggleborns, and one overzealous Sirius Black, one should always know that perfectly reasonable questions are often unreasonable, as James found when Sirius (And a few muggleborns that had overheard the last question) yelled: "WILDCATS!" As loudly as they could.

Sirius laughed, and, seeing a bludger, flew to rejoin the game, which left James to hover in the air, scratching his head.

\---

It rises to a crescendo, when James asks Remus, "Why is Sirius acting so weird?" Remus' heart beats faster in his chest.

"Why should I know?" He asks, faking casual.

"I don't know!" James exclaims. "He keeps saying weird things, and I don't know what he means!" He drops onto Remus' bed, visibly distressed. "The other day, in quidditch practice, he hit a bludger at me, and said he was 'playing for the other team' whatever that's supposed to mean!" James covers his face with his hands. Remus tries not to laugh.

"Well, James, I'm switch batter." James of course doesn't get it, because why would he?

"You're ambidextrous, I know!"

Remus gives a long-suffering sigh. "No, James. Well… Yes. But no. It's a euphemism. I'm playing for _both_ teams." James shakes his head, confusion written on his face. "I like fish _and_ meat!"

"You're a vegetarian!" James isn't very quick on the uptake.

Remus throws his hands in the air with a wordless scream of annoyance. "I'm going to the library." He announces, gathering his books. Before James could say anything more, he had stormed out the door.

\---

(Sirius and Remus are squashed into the dead end of a secret tunnel. Sirius is hyperventilating. This happens far too much for it to be healthy.

"Oh sweet Merlin. What do I do? What do I do? Merlin, help me Remus!"

Remus' hands cover Sirius'. "It's okay. Everything's fine. It's all going to be okay."

"No it's not! James doesn't fucking get what I'm saying! He needs to know but I can't tell him. I'm scared, Remus! I'm fucking terrified!" Sirius is gasping, tears dripping down his cheeks. "I don't know what to do."

Remus almost laughs. "I'm scared too! But it doesn't matter. If James didn't give a fuck about me being a monster, he doesn't get to be a homophobe."

Sirius does laugh. He breaks into hysterical giggles, sobs mixing with the gasps for breath.)

\---

(When Sirius calms down, and finishes his rant about Remus calling himself a monster, he twists his hands so his and Remus' are tangled together. He leans forward so their lips touch. Remus doesn't pull away.)

\---

(They skip Herbology to lay there in each other's arms, being assured that they are valued by another. And if Sirius whispers that he loves Remus, and Remus whispers "Me too." Well that's neither here nor there.)


	2. Additional Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which James and Peter find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated not including this part, because I was really invested in the end of the first chapter, being, well... the end. But, here it is!

James and Peter enter the dorm, laughing at the first year trying to catch his Charms book. (It had been _somehow_ transfigured into a mouse.)

They enter to find Remus and Sirius sitting on Remus' bed, their mouths pressed together. Remus' hands in Sirius' hair, and Sirius' hands on Remus' hips.

And just like that, it all comes crashing down. All the euphemisms and secrets all compact, and James freezes, his mouth open, as Peter closes the door behind him.

As soon as Peter joins him at his side, James is able to find his voice. "What the _fuck_ , mate?"

Remus and Sirius part immediately. They fumble to get to opposite sides of the bed, Remus blushing, and Sirius panting slightly.

"I'm Horatian," Offers Remus. "Bisexual." He adds when Peter opens his mouth.

James is staring at Sirius. "So…"

Sirius purses his lips. "So."

"You bisexual then?" James asks.

Sirius bites his lip. "Nah."

James nods slowly. "You never did get with any of those girls, did you?"

"Don't know what to tell you." Sirius smiles. "I'm bloody fucking gay, mate."


End file.
